Internet.Slacker.Pranks

"The Shampoo Pranks"

   I'll be honest with you; this prank just popped into my head. To stimulate creativity, I sometimes write whatever comes unbidden to my forebrain with no advance planning. Most of the time the resultant babbling concerns three important matters: my secret wish to be a superhero, whinings on why God enjoys making my life into a twisted punch line, and my suspicions that comedian Steve "Carrot Top" Thompson is, in fact, the Antichrist.

   So I was rather gratified when my inner Muse vomited the following prank e-mail letter for the gleeful use of one of my alter ego's, Blane Dombrowski. "He" sent the following concern to a dozen hair shampoo companies; it seems poor Mr. Dombrowski experienced a rather unusual occurrence while in the shower:

Dear <Corporation>,

The other day I was using your product, <ABC Shampoo>, to wash my hair in the shower. I’ve been a faithful user of your shampoo product for years, and it’s always taken care of my dandruff and leaves my hair nice and full. So thank you for a great product!

But the main reason I’m writing this letter is because, the other day, I accidentally ingested a handful of <ABC Shampoo> while showering. It was silly, really…as I was raising my hand full of shampoo I suddenly coughed, and as I went to cover my mouth in a reflex action the shampoo flew out of my hand and slid down my throat.

I haven’t gotten ill, but a few hours after I swallowed the shampoo, I had a bowel movement (sorry to be a bit personal here, but I’m worried) and when I looked down before flushing I noticed the water was a bright blue. As well, my feces were a shocking purple color and I think I noticed one twitch a few times like a giant caterpillar.

So you can see why I’m worried. Is this a normal reaction to your wonderful product? Please let me know. I tell all my friends about <ABC Shampoo> and I’d hate to have to stop using it if there’s a chance it can affect my body in strange and disquieting ways.

All My Best, And Thanks Again For A Great Product!

Blane Dombrowski

And these are the companies he sent the e-mail to, changing all relevant name fields to match:

Head ‘N Shoulders (Procter & Gamble)

Alberto VO5 (Alberto-Culver)

Active Express (REDKEN)

Solfine Normal Care (Solfine)

T-Gel Daily Control Dandruff (Neutrogena)

Dove 2-in-1 Extra Volume Shampoo (Unilever)

Softsoap VITAMINS Body Wash (Colgate)

Pure Abundance Volumizing Shampoo (Aveda Corp)

Aussie MEGA Shampoo (Aussie)

Camomile Volumizing Shampoo (Aubrey)

Body Shop Olive Glossing Shampoo (The Body Shop)

L’ANZA Moisturizing Shampoo- Dry Hair Treatment Lineup (DAVEXLABS)

 

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   I don't know about you, but I am worried for ol' Blane. First he's taking a peaceful dump while getting the soapy taste out of this mouth, and suddenly he's the birth-mother to a hideous fecal anaconda. Tragic, really...

   Blane's recovered his sanity but is still very panicky about the matter. He's emailed the letter to a dozen hygiene corporations in the hopes his fears of being eaten from the inside out by his own crap will be assuaged. He suspects the companies will tell him to go to hell and stop being an idiot for what has to be an obvious prank...but Blane needs to know, goddammit! This is his health on the line!

   Fortunately for Blane, most of these companies were concerned enough to actually send a response...or at the very least were covering their respective asses legally. Unfortunately, though, the bulk of these were standard form letters...not very much help for Blane.

   But, fear not! Amongst these computer-generated placebos were actual human replies! Blane is happy, and so should you, because maybe this shows not all corporations are faceless, uncaring monoliths. Some are staffed by people just like you and me, with beating hearts of compassion towards those with mutant twitching ropes inside their duodenums.

   The following are real actual e-mails. Only personal names have been changed to protect their privacy. They're all very nice people, and both Blane and I are very gratified for their concern. Each of them have already received a following response from Mr. Dombrowsi, and if they continue to reply all responses will be added to this (hopefully) work-in-progress.  

   The first response came from the COSMOLAB Laboratories and the good people at Solfine. This was concerning Blane swallowing some "Solfine Normal Care" shampoo, which I'm sure does a great job on one's hair and has no possibility of re-animating poo.

Hello Blane,

I wonder how you can accidentally ingest a handful of shampoo!!!  However, our technical advisor to The Groupe Jean Coutu, Mr. John Smith, will be more than happy to talk with you on this "strange" case.
Thank you for your interest in our products.

Ted Furley
Business Development Director
COSMOLAB Laboratories
 

   Wow! Such compassion...I personally urge each and every one of you to go out right now and purchase a Solfine product, because, dammit, they care (and, no, I'm not getting paid to say that! Do you think I ever get paid to write anything?)[1]

 Blane sent off this reply...

Dear Mr. Furley

Thank you very much for your reply; it is gratifying to know Solfine cares about its customers!
I know this is an unusual case, how I ingested the shampoo. Like I said, I coughed and brought my hand to my mouth in a reflex action (my mother beat me as a child to enforce good manners on my part) and the stuff slid down my throat in a big gooey mass. I tried coughing it out, but it was too late.
The symptoms have subsided, but I spoke to a friend of mine who is a scientist who knows someone who works at a biological lab. That professional researcher just happens to know Mr. Stephen Hawking, the famous physicist, and I just got an email from the famous doctor concerning this matter. He has been working with a team on the biological foundations of cellular evolution, and it seems that what I ate, combined with the Solfine shampoo, may have some exciting leads due to the "enzymatic action" turning the regularly unliving chemicals into a crude form of life, making my waste product twitch!
So I'm quite excited by this turn of events, if not a bit perplexed. But life is like that, I guess. Anyways, any more information you may have concerning this matter would be greatly appreciated!

Regards,

Blane Dombrowsi
 

   Hopefully Blane will get a reply, and a major scientific mystery will be solved for the ages!

Email #2, from the L'ANZA company:

Dear Blane,

Thank you for your recent email informing us about your accident with Dry Hair Moisturizing Shampoo.  We take these types of comments very serious.  Due to your unusual reaction, we recommend that you contact your doctor to be safe.

 Please keep us informed as to the outcome of your medical examination.

 We appreciate your interest in L'ANZA!

Sincerely,

DAVEXLABS LLC

   "Please keep us informed as to the outcome of your medical examination"? Sure, guy, CAN DO:

Dear DAVEXLABS,

I really appreciate the reply!
I've recently come back from the doctor's, after a full examination. I haven't suffered any ill effects, but the doctor did a colonoscopy up to around my duodenum and he noted "things were unusually lubricated".
All the bowel movements I've taken since have been quite easy and, in fact, pleasurable. Has DAVEXLABS ever considered the possibility of making products to help with constipation?
Again, thank you for a great product!

Blane Dombrowski
 

   Not a word back yet, but it's still too soon; hopefully we'll see a new line of designer laxatives come out in the near future, though.

    And now Colgate steps up to the plate with their "Softsoap Vitamins Original Body Wash"[2]

Dear Ms. Dombrowski:

Thank you for contacting the Colgate-Palmolive Web Site regarding Softsoap Vitamins Original Body Wash. We appreciate you taking the time to contact us with your comments. We were sorry to learn of your experience with our product. We can assure you that extensive research is carried out on all of our products before they are introduced, to ensure they are completely safe for our consumers.

If this product is accidentally ingested, it may cause vomiting or as with any soap product, may act as a mild laxative. We would also like to advise
you that there are no blue or purple dyes in this product that would cause the problem you experienced. You may wish to contact your physician should you have any further questions.

We trust this information is helpful to you and we thank you again for taking the time to contact us.

Jimi Hendrix
Consumer Relations Department

   It was sure nice of Colgate to apologize to Blane, even though they think he's a woman! He made sure to mention his appreciation in the following e-mail:

Dear Mrs. Colgate,

Thank you for your concern! You don't have to apologize for my experience, because it was my fault. I enjoy using Colgate products (especially your waffle iron endorsed by Mike Tyson) and plan to continue to use them for years.

You said the body wash product may act like a mild laxative. Well, it did on me, if by "mild" you mean "I turned Christian just to pray to Jesus to make the squirts stop"...but things are all better now.

I still continue to use your Body Wash now, as it is the only product that can mask my society-repelling body odor. But under the advice of my doctor, I'm keeping it well away from all of my orifices.

If there is any other advice you have on your Body Wash product, I'd be quite gratified to hear your advice!

Sincerely,
Blane Dombrowski

   Blane sure hopes he gets some helpful advice! He's worried about his orifices! Orifici? Orificee? Whatever..his HOLES.

   And finally, this electronic note of concern from the Head & Shoulders Company!

Hi Blane,

Thank you for contacting Head & Shoulders.

I understand your concern regarding this issue.  I recommend that you contact your physician or obtain medical assistance as well as contact your nearest Poison Control centre as soon as possible, so that they may determine if there are any possible health effects as a result of this ingestion.

I hope this helps and please feel free to contact us again,

Fast Eddie Johansson
Head & Shoulders Team

   I'm glad they've asked Blane to "feel free to contact" them again, because Blane sure did:

Dear Head & Shoulders,

Actually, I'm feeling a lot better now. I didn't need to contact a doctor...I've actually come to enjoy the taste of Head & Shoulders.

I've actually created a drink I call "The Dandruff Blues Chaser" I serve to all the kids at the local underground raves I run. It's 1/2 Head & Shoulders with 1/2 Schmirnov's Vodka, and those clubbers just love it!

I really don't know why Head & Shoulders doesn't look into the drink industry. Just add a bit of carbonation and you've got a hit on your hands. And it sure keeps my scalp nice and clean, too.

Sincerely,
Blane Dombrowski  

   Too much? Ah, who cares. The important thing is that Blane is not afraid to explore new exciting territories in the field of alcoholic beverages.

   These days, Blane just waits by his e-mail inbox hoping for more information concerning his bewildering gastro-intestinal dilemma. That is, when he's not taking a shower or "straining at stool" in abject fear of the Unknown. But his heart is full of quiet, happy peace knowing major corporations out there really do worry about him. And as Blane promised, he will post any additional responses to his replies above, dear Reader...

   Any and all support for Blane can be posted in the Internet.Slacker Forums, or sent in the form of money/weed/escorts. Thank you, and don't drink your shampoo.

-- Slacks

Footnotes:

[1] Answer: No.

[2] Okay, not technically a shampoo, but that was the closest thing Colgate makes to a hair cair product. And I really wanted to bother a major, powerful corporation. Why did I want to do this, you ask? Because I'm stupid, that's why.