Pornography Networks in History

1. 1 - Ancient Cave Paintings of Naked Women
 

    Most archaeologists agree that ancient cave paintings found in ancient caves (hence the term “ancient cave paintings”) were painted in ancient caves by single lonely horny cavemen. Since all the real cave-women were downright hideous, lacked cosmetics, and had no sweet milkshake ass like Darryl Hannah did in “Clan of the Cave Bear”, cavemen would paint crude pictures of Darryl Hannah (in her prime, of course; have you seen her lately? Yeeeee!) in their ancient caves. Grunting like a steroid-enraged linebacker, our semi-simian ancestors would then masturbate furiously while making proto-human sounds of pleasure something along the lines of “OOk OOk Oh Darryl OOOooOOk”.

    The paintings judged to be the best in quality attracted many cavemen “users” to the pornographic cave “site”, humanity’s first steps towards a world-wide pornography distribution network. To this day, the caves in Neanderthal, France still get 10,000 hits a day by men looking for naked pictures of Darryl Hannah.

1.2 – Greek Urns

What the HELL is that guy doing to that horse?!?

    Many Greek urns from the Hellenic period are painted with extremely pornographic images, making them totally unsuitable for sale at your local Pottery Barn (unless its a Pottery Barn in San Francisco).

    Examples of actual images found on Greek urns:

-> A Spartan male youth “frolicking” with Satyrs

-> A Spartan Satyr “frolicking” with male youths

-> Satyrs & male youths & someone that looks like Gary Coleman in a teeny-tiny toga “frolicking”

-> Xena the Warrior Princess & that blonde chick kissing

-> Hercules getting an “Athenian Steamer”

    Rich Greek householders would often place dozens of pornographic urns on their front lawn, charging all single male visitors seventeen drachmas a visit to the collection. The householder with the most popular urn collection would draw “heavy traffic” to his collection “site”. “Image stealing” was a big problem, however: Greek house-owners would often sneak over to their neighbour’s lawn and steal the urns with the best images. These urns would then be painted with a “This image is hosted on ebaumsworld.com” label.
 

1.3 The Renaissance, or “Plenty o’ Paintings of Topless Obese Women” Era

    Guys like Leonardo Di Vinci, when not working on mysterious codes for Tom Hanks, enjoyed painting women named Reuben, hence the term “Reubenesque”, since invariably these women were of ample girth. Or maybe Leo & those other 17^th century dudes had a thing for BBW’s, who the hell knows.

1. 4 - The Telegraph (precursor to cybersex)

    But this limitation didn’t stop the lustful innovators of the time. While graphical images of women being spanked by men with lengthy waxed mustaches could not be transmitted, young rich bachelors able to own a private telegraph would often describe erotic works of art to their distant friends:

LORD RAMSLEY-HIGGENS-GRUNTLEDGE HERE OLD CHAP STOP I SAY I AM LOOKING AT A PAINTING OF LADY WORTHINGTON WITHOUT HER SHIRT ON STOP I MEAN TO SAY SHE IS NOT WEARING A SHIRT NOT ME STOP I AM WEARING A SHIRT STOP BLOODY HELL THIS IS COSTING ME A FORTUNE STOP

    It did not take long for these rich bachelors to attempt a crude form of cybersex with surprised female telegraph operators:

I AM TAKING OFF MY PANTS STOP TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT STOP NOT MY SHIRT STOP I AM TAKING OFF MY SHIRT STOP I AM SO HOT BABY SO HOT FOR YOU STOP OH GOD DON’T STOP DON’T STOP STOP I AM ALMOST THERE MY DEAR STOP I HAVE ACHIEVED ORGASM STOP RIGHTO I AM OFF FOR SOME WENSLEYDALE CHEESE AND TEA STOP

1.5 Stash of discarded copy of “Juggs” in the woods/park/abandoned lot.

    A tradition of many young males in this modern era is discovering abandoned pornography while exploring wooded fields or empty buildings. Such locations are often common gathering places for adolescent boys to hide pornographic magazines and engage in mild homoerotic exploration. 

    Such “hubs” of social genital discussion often provide refuge for sexual education amongst young males, usually in the form of “yeah, that’s her ‘verginer’, looking at it makes me feel funny and scared at the same time!” (A sentiment this author still carries to this very day).

1. 6 - Your Dad’s stash of pornography locked up in his den/garage/attic

    A ritual almost every boy experiences as he grows into adulthood is learning the fine art of lock-picking so that he may bypass the mechanical security guarding his father’s stash of hardcore pornography. Another important skill often gained is ensuring the piles of magazines are in the exact same order and position they were found in, so as not to raise the suspicion of the paternal unit. 

    These porno stashes represent “hacked” distribution networks: “Hey, Tim, I broke into my dad’s locked stash of porno! Yeah, there’s stuff like ‘Playboy’ and ‘Penthouse’ and ‘Forced Albanian Bukkake Monthly’! Want to see ‘em at my place after school? Great! Bring your sister!”

End of Chapter Exercises for the Student:

1.     Visit a museum and masturbate to an ancient cave painting exhibit. Make sure to obtain a pass allowing you to do so from your teacher, principal, or priest. After achieving climax, write a 1,173-word essay detailing the facial expressions on the other museum visitors as they observed you splooge over a plastic ape-woman.

2.     Find a male person of Greek heritage and ask him why his ancestors enjoyed “the butt-sex” so much. Journal his reactions for further study. 

3.     Purchase and distribute pornographic magazines for the local male youth in your neighborhood. You may also need to supply smokes ‘n peach-flavored schnapps. Form a “study group” in your basement, convince your new young friends to take off their clothes, videotape their lean Scandinavian swimmer-like hairless bodies, and leave the tape with your teacher for extra credit. A lot of extra credit. Mmmm-mmmm-mmm.

Next Chapter: Rohypnol, Roofies, and Knock-out Drugs: How to  Use Them On Your Sexy History Teacher.