Slack-worthy Sites: MMORPG (Multiplayer Game Site) So You Wanna Do Stand-up Comedy?
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| Thursday April 27 2006 | ||||
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BANNED BY SOMETHING AWFUL!
To Lowtax and all you Goons at Something Awful: you will RUE the day you banned ME, THE INTERNET SLACKER.
Oh, sure, I agree with you: most of my posts were idiotic, and I didn't read your vaunted, inscribed-by-God-and-brought-down-by-Moses RULES. But that's just the way I AM, THE INTERNET SLACKER.
I thought my post about various Goons calling my cell phone after I had posted its number on the SA Forums had some comedic value. Hell, who DOESN'T want to read about me losing my temper at the1,371 Something Awful forum members who have phoned to say, and I quote, " YOU FAGO " (usually in a high-pitched pre-adolescent voice).
( I don't remember posting my sexual orientation of the SA Forums, except maybe that I have a thing for young women in Catholic school girl outfits. LEGAL young women in Catholic school girl outfits. And, yes, THANK YOU SA GOONS for pointing out how "creepy" I am for admitting such a personal fact. SO WHAT IF I'M FRIGGIN' THIRTY-EIGHT! STOP CALLING ME AN "OLD FUCK").
You just gleefully BANNED my post about my phone HELL. YOU MADE THE INTERNET SLACKER ANGRY. So I wrote a beautifully touching note insulting the SA Forum moderators, with a picture of me giving "the one-fingered salute" & a demonic clown, with the tag "BAN ME". And so your computer goes ahead and autobans me! WHY? WHAT DID I DO?!?!?!
I'll tell you what I, THE INTERNET SLACKER, did to the SA Forum slack-jawed gibbering primates: I MADE YOU ALL JEALOUS. YOU FREE-BASING BASTARDS CAN'T STAND THE FACT I AM A BRILLIANT COMEDIC WRITER. The Internet Slacker is the goddamn FRESHEST MOFO ever to hit your forums. ADMIT THE TRUTH: YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME, *THE* INTERNET SLACKER.
I AM AN INTERNET GOD. You think Something Awful's 70,000 billion hits a day impress me? NO. Because I know you'll never have what I have, GOONS: PURE INTERNET SLACKER TESTOSTERONE MANLINESS.
THIS IS ME:
THIS *IS* ME. DO YOU BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND MY GLORY NOW?!?! I AM THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT OF THE NET AND YOU ARE ALL SPROUTS
This isn't over, LOWTAX. You don't impress me because NOTHING IMPRESSES ME EXCEPT PAIN. And I KNOW PAIN. YOU DON'T KNOW MY PAIN.
One day The Internet Slacker will be back on the SA Forums, NOT because I paid ANOTHER hard-earned $9.95 that you & your buddies are most assuredly now spending on HOOKERS AND PRETZELS. I'll be back because all you GOONS WILL AND MUST realize THE INTERNET SLACKER *IS* THE INTERNET. I AM YOUR WORLDWIDE NETWORK GOD AND YOU WILL KLJAS DI@#JL$<@M34
BEG YOU WILL BEG AIJTLKMRE
TO HAVE THE INTERNET SLACKER BACK LOWTAX ALMND#EMK@#L 4., D
23'rm23;lr/.c
c df dw
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| Thursday March 30 2006 | ||||
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Which
Is Better? The Internet ~or~ A Beautiful Summer’s Day?
An investigation
into finalizing an individual’s personal choice between a world-wide
computer network or getting one’s fat ass away from the computer and
going outside.
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| Tuesday February 15 2006 | ||||
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Many blog site webmasters post their resumes online, so why can't I, the Internet Slacker? I'm looking for work, so let's ensure my continued unemployment and slow death via starvation by posting...
The Big Fun Resume ~ of ~ The Internet Slacker
Here's a cute picture of a kitten to soften the hearts of all you cold-hearted potential employers reading this resume...
Objective: To make friends and grow in wisdom while avoiding the police and paying taxes. Oh, and a sweet job that’ll get me the chicks by the truckloads. [1]
Qualifications: I’m a People Person! Hahahaha! Who the hell seriously calls themselves a "people person" in a resume these days, honestly?!? Unless they really are into people, and boy howdy do I enjoy making people laugh. And because I love laughter, I love comedy...LOVE IT. I’ve been studying comedymy whole life : from listening to my parent’s Bill Cosby albums when I was a kid[2], to volunteering at a television community station in Ottawa and working on an amateur comedy show, to graduating with a Television Broadcasting Diploma from Algonquin College in ’92, doing some stand-up comedy, and now running a couple of comedy websites of my very own. People & Laughter: you just can’t lose. Unless that person is my ex-wife; in that case, everybody loses.[3]
Life History
February 21, 1968 : BIRTH An overall learning experience, although a horrifying one. I mean, really, what sort of sadistic medical professional rips a peaceful sleeping child from its mother’s womb and begins slapping it on the backside like some weird sort of BDSM scene? I was perfectly happy in my nice dark moist room, Doc. Why? WHY?!?!
Ages 0 - 2: INFANT I don’t do much during this time except lie on the bed and cry, red-faced and shaking my tiny fists. It’s ironic, though, since I use the exact same method today to whine and cajole my dates for sex.
Ages 2 - 4: TODDLER I have very few memories from this period in my life except for Dad losing me in various shopping malls while getting distracted by power tools, liquor stores, or barely legal female teenagers. I guess that explains why I break into tears every time I go into a Wal-Mart. Friendly "Greeters", my ass.
Maybe another kitten picture will make you want to hire me...aww, the kittie's windpipe is firmly wedged in the handle of that ceramic basket, how cute!
Ages 4 - 7: CHILD I eat an alarming amount of food every day, and boy howdy do I grow. From a runty little carpet crawler I pack on the pounds to become a child wider than his height. I’d use the old cliché joke, "look up ‘fat kid’ in the dictionary and there’d be a picture of me", but if you presented me a book during this time of obesity, I probably would have eaten it. I’m not kidding, I was a child with his own distinct gravitational pull; smaller children orbited my massive prepubescent bulk. And I loved ice cream. Me and the other fat kids on my block would gang up on the Dickee-Dee ice cream man whenever he dared show his face in our neighborhood. It was like that old TV show, "Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom with Marlin Perkins ". We were the hyenas, the ice cream guy was the gazelle, and we would chase him around the savannah (in this case, Blackstone Avenue) until he got tired from all the panicked biking. We’d pile on his cart and tear open the freezer door and there’d be this BIG spurt of red popsicles all over the pavement. We fat children would giggle like overjoyed scavengers, feasting on the frozen entrails of the ice cream man’s cart while ignoring his screams of economic pain and fury. That is my fondest childhood memory, the agonies of the stricken Dickee-Dee salesman.
Ages 7 - 12: Pre-Teen I continue to grow in size, alarming adults and pretty well all other sentient creatures in my vicinity. The other children tease me unmercifully. But they don’t know that I wrote all their names down on a list and by God one day they’ll pay. They’ll all pay. Three words: Global Death Laser[4].
Ages 12 - 16: Teenager Puberty Time! Oh boy! Nothing like a massive flood of sex hormones to unsettle a fat kid’s already tragic life. I begin to notice girls (and, distressingly enough, my friend Michael Hogan’s cute feminine ass), so I actually begin laying off the food in order to (hopefully, one day) lay on top of girls. Not that I am actually successful in high school with romance, mind you. So I mostly raid my Dad’s porn stash and masturbate a lot. I...I guess you don’t see a lot of resumes bringing up the topic of masturbation. Maybe this is some sort of weird "First", who knows? But don’t worry, I don’t touch myself anymore, I wear oven mitts as therapy[5].
...the hell?!? Hold on, trying to find more kittens...
Ages 16 - 21: Innocent Young Man Yet more developmental horrors, too many to fit into a weird-ass resume[6]. I graduate from the hell that is known as "high school" with an Honours Diploma and a promise to my eight-fingered woodshop teacher that I would never, ever approach power tools again when other people were near me. I become interested in television and volunteer at the ‘Maclean-Hunter’ community TV station in Ottawa. What a great experience in comedy it is: I write and perform on a skit show called "TV Breakfast". It was small, only seen in Ottawa, but a lot of fun and education and I saw real, actual boobies for the first time in my life.[7]
Ages 21 - 24: Semi-innocent Young Man I decide to attend Algonquin College to edumacate myself in the exciting field of television broadcasting. I soon realize college is a lot like high school, but with the addition of liquor. I almost get kicked out of school for proposing the economically-feasible "Algonquin College Pornography Department ". I mean, c’mon. Lots of hot young college girls around the place AND free video cameras I can use at any time of the day or (preferably) night? Crazy professors and their "morals"...
Ages 24 - 28: Violated Young Man I graduate from college and work/volunteer in the broadcasting field. Becoming more and more obsessed with writing and comedy, I explore amateur stand-up comedy and volunteer as crew on "The Tom Green Show" at its start in Ottawa on the Roger’s Television station. Tom’s a nice guy, and I don’t envy his success at all[8].
Ages 28 - 34: Somewhat Bitter, Jaded, Not-So-Young Man I continue to convert oxygen to carbon monoxide, necessary for plant growth. I discover the joys of the Internet and am told by many people, especially my Mother, that I am particularly funny in this new medium because: - I type faster than a weasel that just snorted an entire meth lab, - I relish the challenge of writing comedy for an angry & bitter world-wide audience (i.e., you), and; - I enjoy playing dumb Internet pranks, which amounts to getting gullible people to generate comedy content for me via their rage and/or confusion towards the incredibly stupid things I do online[9].
Aww, what a cute kitten...wait a minute...OH GOD ITS A CHEETAH, RUN!!! Ha, ha, ha, what am I saying, those feline bastards clock over 60 m.p.h., we're DOOMED to an early DEATH BY CHEETAH.
Ages 34 - 37: People Person! (present) And so, after a long horrid journey of self-enlightenment and -abuse, I find myself as an Internet Comedy Writer looking for "The Work". So I offer this special resume[10] to all you Webmasters out there in Internet Land. When you hire The Internet Slacker, Website Content Creator Extraordinaire, the entire Internet itself will be prostrate...prostate(?)...before my "l33t c0m3dy sk1llz" and (much more importantly) shall send their sweet, sweet money to you and me.
But, wait! You need more proof? Check out my:
Employment History
1982: Spokes-child for Dickee-Dee Corporation’s "Please Stop Attacking The Ice Cream Man " advertising campaign.
1984 - 1988: Various humiliating low-paying summer jobs, such as de-ticking Mrs. McGrowski’s seventeen shivering Alsatian poodles.
1990 - 1992: Attended college, usually pretty too loaded to work. Or study, for that matter. Ha! Ha!
1992 - 1993: Employed as a "Media Analyst" at a start-up online information service. Clients would pay us to digitize news-feeds from television, newspaper, and radio sources. But then the Internet hit the scene in a big way with the invention of the World Wide Web and our clients could get the same information for free so the owner[11] of the company started embezzling funds and fired everyone on Christmas. Yay!
awww, so cute...GAHHHH!
1994 - 1998: Unfortunately during this time I developed Crohn’s Disease, which is like a very, very bad ulcer. Realizing I was unable to work long hours in a television studio, I focused, honed, and otherwise made gooder[12] my writing and comedy skills. Please don’t hate me for my poor gastro-intis...gastro-itest...gastro-intesticle...guts.
1998 - Present: Currently a Website Content Writer with various sites for which I produce content and graphics. I recently won an award for a website I created for an online game I play. The address of my award-winning "City of Villains" fan website is: www.markx.net/stabby/ . The official announcement from the game corporation of my award can be found at http://www.cityofheroes.com/community/fansites_05_winners.html . And a cool picture of a Wild Yak is at http://www.fao.org/ag/agp/agpc/doc/essays/A13.jpg . Please note: I have nothing to do whatsoever with the aforementioned Yak.
Another website o’ mine is The Internet Slacker, at www.internetslacker.com. I own the URL and write the content for my little half-blog, half-"crazy links" corner of the Internet. In fact, you're soaking in it RIGHT NOW.
I write content for other sites, and a lot of my writing is scattered around various popular Internet sites. I’ll be glad[13] to provide links if requested. Or even if you don't request 'em. Hell, I'm so needy for approval, I'll stand on your front lawn at three in the morning holding a ghetto blaster over my head that's playing "In Your Eyes" like John Cusack did in that movie I can't remember the title of, just so you'll ask me to send more of this crap I spew out into your breathlessly waiting inbox.
Okay, okay, that's IT. Obviously the Internet is beginning to mock my search for cute kitten pictures. Damn soon-to-be-self-aware Internet.
Conclusion
This resume is, obviously, an example of my comedy writing and should not be taken as an indication of frivolity on my part. Or maybe I am frivolous and currently involved in a world-wide conspiracy whose ultimate goal is to waste your time with inexplicably strange resumes. Be that as it may, I love writing comedy, I live on the Internet, and I want to be part of your growing company as a Website Content Writer. As long as you'll pay me. And send me the chicks by the truckloads[1].Yes.
Sincerely! "The Internet Slacker" Comedy Writer, Internet Geek, All-Around Funny Guy.
FOOTNOTES: [1] To whomever is reading this resume: if you are a woman please change the phrase, "get me the chicks" to something less offensive to your wacky Feminist ideals.
[2] And, when my parents weren’t around, I’d listen to their Richard Pryor albums I wasn’t allowed to play. Hehehehe.
[3] Honestly, she’s a soul-draining psycho hose-beast with absolutely no sense of humour.
[4] Did I mention I really want this writing job? Not that my Global Death Laser is pointed near your office or anything...
[5] I’ll even wear them into the office during staff meetings with your investors.
[6] Such as the one you are reading at this very moment .
[7] And if you hire me as one of your comedy writer drones, I’ll tell you the whole story. It’s HOT.
[8] The bastard.
[9] My favorite ‘Net prank so far is when I went into a Yahoo! Graffiti game room and began drawing really offensive pictures. Think I’m kidding? http://www.markx.net/internetslacker/pranks/yahoograf1.htm. Hey, I walk the walk and talk the talk, baby!
[10] Cranked this article out in under three hours. Not that I’m bragging, but I can keep to a deadline or two, at least when I'm not "surfin' on E".
[11] The guy stole my coffee mug too. That’s just wrong. Before you ask, he’s on my list, too.
[12] I know, it’s not a word. But it should be.
[13] Nay, overjoyed.
Maybe a picture of a child juggling puppies will make you hire me...
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| Monday January 30 2006 | ||||
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LINK LISTS YOU'LL LIKE Well, another year is here and before I know it, more than a month goes by without an update. Scary how time gets away on you, eh? I do apologize to the two or three fans of this website for the lateness in this update.
Not that I was *totally* slacking off, mind you; I became caught up in creating a website for a popular online game I play, "City of Heroes". Turns out the developers of the game liked my site so much they gave it a second-place award in the "Best Informational - Villain" category in a recent fansite contest. If you'd like to see my award-winning site, check it out here.
Here's some of my favorite websites that update everyday with interesting Internet sites to visit while you're presumably working:
One of my all time personal favorites. If you don't know about i-am-bored.com, you'll be wanting to thank me in an e-mail after a visit. Not that you'll actually send The Internet Slacker an e-mail, but it's the thought that counts, so I thank you.
While this site has access to some adult content, it's mostly SFW links and the front page asks before showing you the naughty stuff. While the 'Slacker ain't no prude, I do like to keep my links fairly safe for people who may be surfing my site while at work or a loved one is staring over their shoulder. I give 'The Lost Links' an Internet Thumbs Up because it has the two essential qualities in 'link list' sites: constant updates and great linkage.
A very active site where the community posts and moderates the links, not some faceless, merciless moderator! Lots of active discussion and an excellent synopsis is included with every weblink. Join today, it's free, fun, and (some people have told me), somewhat wacky.
Whoever runs this site sure jam-packs it full of links! Links on the left, some ads on the right...almost like a no- frills discount warehouse o' crazy websites to visit. I like visiting UniqueDaily every day, because they do often indeed have something unique, everyday.
Who the hell isn't bored at work? Ah well, it's a fate we'll all share...at least until the day us blind masses rise up and destroy our corporate masters. Ha! Ha! Just kidding, corporate masters! Speaking of which, if you want to drain money from your workplace by doing absolutely nothing productive, check out Bored At Work. It's a "sister-site" to Ubersite, so Bored At Work links to some of the best, funniest articles written by the Ubersite community (which you can join for free, btw...Ubersite is a great resource for writers looking to post their stuff and get feedback). Enjoy the links at Bored At Work, as long as your corporate masters aren't watching. (Hell, they're probably in their offices all day surfing link list sites too...that'd explain a lot about the current condition of the world....)
Hope these sites keep you busy for awhile and provide constant productivity-lost entertainment. The Internet Slacker will start kicking his own butt to get things updated here more often, I PROMISE. But it's a Constant Struggle...
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| Monday December 5 2005 | ||||
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THE 2005 SLACKIE AWARDS
I'm starting a tradition: The Slackie Awards. Why not? It's my website, so IMHO here are ten websites Worthy-with-a-capital-W to you, the serious Slacker.
I give each of the websites listed below a Slackie for one main reason: sheer comedic entertainment. I've also taken into account other factors such as: amount of content (especially if created mainly by one webmaster), parody graphics, an active community, and how often links & content are updated. All ten of the sites listed here have gone above and beyond excellence in these qualities.
While there are no cash or prizes involved, I'm sure the webmasters of each and every site awarded today will be happy to receive their congratulatory e-mail. Or insult me and my website, depending on their general attitude to Life (I'm pretty well expecting myg0t to do so, they usually do). Be that as it may, I am proud to announce the first year of:
The Internet Slacker Best Of The Web Slackie Awards:
In No Particular Order, The Winners For 2005 Are:
Bob From Accounting
I like Bob. He's a guy from Accounting who's generally annoyed that someone has stolen his low-calorie Lean Pockets(tm) from the office fridge. Still, Bob's no stiff-necked office drone...he lets loose at parties, belts out a pretty good tune at the Jumbo's Clown Room talent night, and is Tony Danza's #1 fan. Uh, yeah...
BoingBoing
"A Directory Of Wonderful Things", and indeed it is! All sorts of interesting links and stories contributed by the editors and readers. Boingboing covers many scenes: the Internet, popular culture, technology, all that good stuff. Eclectic, eccentric, fun. Give Boingboing a visit and suggest a link, they are always looking for the unusual out there on your Internets.
I Am Bored
One of my all-time favorite websites, and not just because they included The Internet Slacker in their 'Friends' list. Anytime I find myself without something new to read on the 'Net, I just head over to I Am Bored and see what's daily or browse through their extensive categories such as "Funny" or "Weird". Updated often, this website is definitely worth adding to your 'Favorites' folder.
Portal Of Evil
Another Internet Slacker favorite. The pleasantly psychotic online community at Portal Of Evil have the knack of finding the strangest websites, which they then post and make disparaging remarks about the site's webmaster, their beliefs, family, etc, etc. Great fun! Updated often, PoE has a great archive section of fascinating links to visit. These guys have more Slack than Evil, in my opinion, but that's just me.
Rotten Dot Com
Any website that has the statement in large bold font, "FUCK CHRISTMAS", is definitely Slack-Worthy in my Big Book o' Slack. But Rotten goes above and beyond by having great pictures and stories about the grittier side of Reality (that place outside the Internet we sometimes visit). Rotten.com also has a great "Today In Rotten History" section, where you can read about what happened in the past on that specific day. There's also the "Daily Rotten News", bringing you strange & somewhat disturbing news clips from all around the world. Rotten has a lot more features, but I'll leave it to you to discover the coolness that Rotten.com is.
Jay Pinkerton
This guy is FUNNY! I don't know how he keeps up with the constant original material, but Jay Pinkerton's eye-catching bloggish website is a definite must visit. He satirizes topics from The Bible to classic Superman comics with a keen comedic edge. Articles, essays, comics that'll make you lose continence, it's all funny over at Mr. Pinkerton's website. Jay, if you're ever in my neck of the woods, let me buy you a beer...you sound like a guy who'd be hilarious to listen to in a bar, in an intoxicated state.
Ubersite
One of the greatest things about the Internet is that writers can self-publish and get almost immediate response from a large audience. Ubersite allows you to do just that: post a story or article you've written and get immediate response from the Ubersite community. While there are similar type of websites, I've always appreciated the readers at Ubersite: they'll honestly let you know if your writing is good, or, ahem, needs a lot of work. And there's some hilarious reading to be done at Ubersite, too, since there are many, many excellent 'Uberwriters'.
The Wonderful World Of Longmire
Another very creative comedic genius, Mr. Mark Longmire's website is very well-designed...much better than mine, anyways, and that's not saying much, really. Anyways, anybody who Photoshops soap opera book covers in new and disturbing ways definitely has the 'Net Slack. Check out Longmire's 'The (almost) Daily Comments' section, where he writes his observations about Life & the Internet and his wild rompings around in both. This guy is great comedy.
myg0t
I have a confession: I'm an online gamer. If that's not bad enough, I sometimes like to "rage" the other players around me while in-game. How does one "rage"? Well, I could try explaining it to you, but to get the whole picture, you gotta check out the goddamned bastards over at myg0t. Hated and despised world-wide by countless gaming clans, myg0t strives to discover the vulnerabilities in online games in order to, well, annoy the living hell out of the "legitimate" players. The best part of myg0t is the forums, where those unmitigated maniacs post screenshots of their online adventures (said screenshots usually being Photoshopped collages of various player's very nasty text protests to the myg0t raging). Don't be mistaken: these guys are serious, unapologetic, and very, very funny.
Spread The Slack
Ah, Cecil the Slacker, a guy just like me. If you're looking for pure Slacker wisdom, you have to check out Cecil's Spread The Slack website. Working as a stock-drone at a major retail outlet, Cecil had a Vision Of Slack that changed his life and inspired him to create a website with great Flash cartoons and features, such as "Slacker of the Month". Stop by Cecil's Website and tell 'em The Internet Slacker sent you, I'm sure he'll eventually say a friendly "Hello!" after taking a moment from seriously Slacking Off.
Congratulations to all ten winners of this year's Slackie Awards! Truly Blessed are those websites worthy of perusal by Slackers on the wide, wide Internet. And while there are no prizes, money, or groupies of a gender of which you'd like to perform intercourse, the Slackie Award is just my small way of saying a big "Thank You" to those websites that have genuinely made Life & The Internet less boring. And, who knows? Maybe one day "The Internet Slacker" website will REALLY take off, and I'll get the power to make The Slackie Awards akin to The Oscars...
Yeah, I know. I gotta lay off the drugs. Enjoy the Awards....somehow!
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| Monday November 21 2005 | ||||
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I posted this article on Ubersite, they seemed to enjoy it, I hope you do too:
We here at Google want to thank you, the Internet user, for making us the
number one search engine on the planet. We will continue to expand our
online services to attract a wider audience and hopefully in the near
future the entire Earth's population will find us indispensable to Life
itself, because that's our goal: to make you Google whether you want to or
not.
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To view older blog entries/articles/my previous attempts at this website, please click:
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